It’s that time of the year again, for my annual “Silent Majority Ultimately Triumphs” awards, better known to all my friends as the “S.M.U.T” Awards.
This year, for the very first time, you don’t have to sit through the incessant and obnoxious red carpet interviews or listen to idiots thank their third grade teachers, because I have decided to tell you, in advance, the actual award winners.
Now, unless you want to examine Joan Rivers’ recent face lifts, you can skip the event altogether and get a good night’s sleep.
The 2013 “S.M.U.T.” awards:
The Comeback Player Of The Year Award
Without any hesitation, I unanimously chose Mark Sanford, the former South Carolina Republican governor who this week announced that he was running for his old Congressional seat. That’s quite a comeback.
You do remember that as governor in 2009, he stunned his constituency and really tantalized the rest of us, by disappearing and then admitting he was having a long-distance affair with an Argentinean beauty.
For those jealous cynics out there who still want to vote for him, I offer three possible explanations for his rather bazaar behavior:
1- He really needed the frequent-flyer miles.
2- The young, gorgeous, sexy, and attractive brunette was not the real South American dish he was after. The eight-hour, clandestine rendezvous was really to feast on his favorite Spanish dish, arroz con pollo.
3- He was trying to save Medicare by showing why Viagra should be a covered expense.
So “buena suerte” (good luck) to all of you South Carolina voters and congratulations Gov. Sanford, We missed you.
The Humanitarian Man Of The Year Award
For his outstanding work in lowering the unemployment rate by providing jobs for so many of his fine, upstanding, out-of-work constituents, “The Humanitarian Man Of The Year” award unanimously goes to U.S. Sen. Bob Menendez.
Unfortunately for Bob, several weeks before the election it came to light that his job-creating skills also had provided employment for someone on his staff who was an illegal alien and a convicted sex offender.
Somehow the Obama Administration’s DHS decided to hold off on their messy investigation for six weeks. I am sure that this decision had nothing to do with the fact that this cover-up would now take place after the election.
I decided not to hold this against Bob’s candidacy since The New York Times correctly pointed put that convicted felons are also in need of jobs. So we proudly give Bob this award anyway and hope that his cutting-edge job creation policy will continue to include many more diversified individuals,.
Congratulations Sen. Menendez.
The Best Performance by a Group Award
What an honor it is for me to present The Best Performance By A Group to the following quartet of New York City politicians: New York City Councilman Larry Seabrook, state Sen. Pedro Espada, Hiram Monserrat and former City Councilman Miguel Martinez.
Since this group of elected officials are all presently performing in a maximum security venue upstate tonight, their award will be accepted by their manager and fellow politician and power broker, former state Sen. Carl Kruger. Sorry. I just found out that he too is in prison. I guess we’ll just give you the award when you are out on parole.
Anyway, Congratulations guys.
The Life Achievement Award
We finally get to our most prestigious award. The Benedict Arnold, Life Achievement Award”goes to the one and only, Lance Armstrong.
His research on the effects of various medications on the human body has given hope to so many people who suffer from the same sociopathic, immoral and antisocial behavior.
However, his 20-year project is not the only reason that Lance was a shoo-in for this award. We also noted, that because of him:
1- The entire country now knows exactly where to find Opra’s boring, insignificant, and tedious television station.
2- Women all across America see the value of meeting and marrying famous athletes . And
3- His study has led to the disbanding of his very expensive, gold-medal, United States Post Office Cycling Team.
This cost reduction alone, is single-handily responsible for trying to save the bankrupt U.S Post Office.
Thanks so much, Lance.
Dr. Stephen Morris
North Hills
