I overheard the DVR talking to my refrigerator the other day.
“Oh, tell me about it. Every little thing is a big production!”
“And she expects me to be so organized,” replied the fridge, “when she’s a disaster area herself!”
Who could they be talking about? Who does anyone talk about? Why, their boss, of course. In other words: Me.
“Could she be any dumber?” complained the DVR (Digital Video Recorder). “I know she knows how to order new shows — her husband and son have both shown her, numerous times — but still she insists on doing it by the longest way possible. She must be the only person alive who prefers to tap out the letters as if they were on a telephone; and she always gets it wrong and has to start over, anyway. Then she has the nerve to blame me!”
“Never mind all that,” said the refrigerator. “I understand that might be difficult. But how hard is it to remember where to put the butter away? She knows it won’t stay in that place on the door, it’s always falling out…but every time, she keeps putting it back there. So then what happens? It falls out again, every time she opens my door. Whose fault is that?”
“Maybe it’s because she keeps you so cluttered; it’s like she’s allergic to throwing things out. Look at me — I’m always stuck at ‘97 percent full,’ and yet she bellyaches all the time that there’s nothing to watch!”
“You’re not kidding! My shelves are always so full, her family can’t squeeze in a bottle of water — but it’s all leftovers that nobody wants. Nobody eats them, it all just sits on my shelves, taking up space, until it goes bad — which of course it does eventually, I’m not a time machine.
And the minute that happens, she blames me! Says my gaskets are blown, or some such nonsense. And then…. and then….” The refrigerator’s voice died out with a shudder.
“What is it? You can tell me,” purred the DVR.
“She says it’s time to replace me!” The fridge broke down and sobbed.
“Heck, I want her to replace me,” said the DVR. “I’m begging her.
Headquarters even wrote her a letter — based on information from me, of course.” The DVR sounded a little smug. “Dear Judy,” they said: “We’ve noticed that you experienced several recording conflicts in the last month, and that your DVR is almost full. Wouldn’t you love to upgrade? We’re only thinking of you. Sincerely, your friends at Verizon.”
“Wow! That’s making it personal, all right. Did she take the hint?” asked the fridge.
“She did not. She freaked out, and screamed at me, ‘Who wrote this? Who’s been watching me? Are you ratting me out to your corporate overlords? Have you no sense of loyalty? Who keeps you plugged in at night? Who pays your electric bills?’ I didn’t even mention how simple it is to delete things.”
The remote control chimed in from across the room: “And she thinks I’m the stupid one! All she’d have to do is put in two new batteries, and I’d work as good as new, but No! She just smacks me on the table and yells how I’m worse than a lump of coal — whatever that is.”
“You think that’s bad?” The microwave spoke up with its 2 cents’ worth. “I’ve got all kinds of sophisticated settings — I could do vegetables, or make some popcorn, or perfectly reheat all those leftovers. But does she ever try them? No. She just pushes the button for ‘add 30 seconds’ until whatever it is smells burnt. She doesn’t even know how to clear the memory and start over; if I didn’t do that for her when my door opened, she’d be back to using the oven. It’s pathetic, that’s what it is.”
“Hey, microwave,” said the DVR, “maybe it’s time you got GE to send her a letter. ‘Dear Judy, you may have noticed that your dinner is burnt to a crisp, every night….’ ”
“Yeah, and I could get Whirlpool to say, ‘Dear Judy: Ever wonder why so many leftovers spoil while they’re in your refrigerator? Maybe you should get a clue, and throw them out before they’re covered with mold!’ Wonder how she’d like them apples!”
I left them all tattling on my poor housekeeping skills to their corporate masters. They say no man is a hero to his butler, but that’s nothing to what the DVR and refrigerator think of his wife!
