A Look on the Lighter Side: In spring, this woman turns to decluttering

Judy Epstein

I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn’t resist — the Special Edition of “Real Simple” was right out there on the store counter.

So I bought it.

It all sounds so easy!  “Just imagine the free time you’d have if you always knew exactly where to find your car keys, phone, earrings!”

Who doesn’t need more free time?  I started as soon as I came in the door.

“What is all this clutter doing on the hall table?”  I demanded of my spouse.

“You mean, today’s mail and packages?” he asked me, a tad defensively.

“Yes.  It’s all got to go somewhere else, so we can have free time instead of always looking for cell phones and car keys.  Which reminds me — have you seen my phone?”

“No; where did you have it last?”

“Why do people always say that, when you’ve lost something?”  I said, exasperated.  My husband wandered away, so I raised my voice.  “It’s got to be one of the Top Ten Most Useless lines in the English language!”

My back pocket started buzzing.  It was my phone.

“Who is this?” I asked, but no one answered.  Then my husband strolled back in, cell phone in hand and looking smug.

“Now, what were you saying?”  he asked, elaborately placing his phone next to his keys, in the exact center of the hallway table.  “Something about saving time?”

“Yes.  And reducing clutter.  Which reminds me…Have you seen the vacuum cleaner anywhere?”

“Don’t you keep it in the closet?”

“Yes, but I looked and it wasn’t there.”

“I know you’ll find it.  I’m taking a walk. ”

He always tries to escape when I start to neaten.  Can’t think why.  “What’s your hurry?”  I ask.

“Oh, no hurry. Just spending some of that time you freed up!” Then I hear him exclaim “What the heck?”

I find him apparently wrestling with his own coat in the closet.  He gives one final yank, and out falls the vacuum cleaner with a thud.  “I found the vacuum for you!” he says, and disappears out the door.

I grab the machine and head for the living room. “No matter what you call it,” says Simple Living, “family room, TV room, or den — a hangout spot that’s organized is far more enjoyable.”

Alas, “organized” might not be the right word for the laundry baskets, piles of books, and papers stacked around my floor.  I haul most of it up to my bed; I’ll deal with it later.

As for the books … why are they even there?  What was my plan?

When my husband returns, I am reading “Spark Joy,” by Marie Kondo. It’s the sequel to her first book on tidying up.

“Surely,” says my husband, “you can get rid of a book that says to de-clutter?”

“But I haven’t finished the first ten pages yet! What if it has good advice?”

“Isn’t she the one who said, Get rid of all your papers?  Sheerest hypocrisy of her to write a book at all, if you ask me.”

I hide the book in the sofa cushions.

“And what are these?” he continues.

“Those are my gardening books.”

“You have never been a gardener!”

“That’s why I need books!”

He sighs, moving on to a pile of papers near the TV. “Do we need these?”

“I’m not sure.  They look like instruction books.”

He leafed through them:  “This is for the microwave oven we had …. two ovens ago.  This is for the electric can opener we threw out…”

“But this is for the wedding gift we just sent your nephew.”

“It was a teapot,” said my husband.  “I’m sure they’ll cope. And this is for a crockpot.”

“A crockpot?

We never had a crock pot!  How do we have instructions for one?”

“Good question!”  He pitched it, with the others, into the trash.

We winnowed the pile until the remote control could at last see over it.  By then we were so tired, we went to bed.

Or tried to.  But there were baskets of stuff in the way.

Simple Living is very clear about The Bedroom:  “It is your refuge from the world….so it makes sense to arrange it in a calming and efficient way.”

That’s why I threw everything into the nearest closet, wedging a chair to keep it closed.

“Well, that is efficient,” approved my husband, “if not exactly calming. Good night!”

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