Here’s a newsflash: The North Shore -LIJ Health System wants to change its name, to “Northwell Health.”
Their CEO, Michael J. Dowling, gave several reasons for the change in the press release available on the health conglomerate’s website.
One reason given was that people mispronounce the existing name. The thing is, people are capable of mispronouncing even the name “Smith,” so I don’t find that to be a compelling reason.
Another reason is that they want a brand that will stand out from the “cluttered health care market.”
Frankly, the health care world had its chance to de-clutter— by letting us have a single payer for every single American — and they sank it.
So they have only themselves to blame for the “clutter” they now find themselves in.
But if they really want to stand out from the crowd, let me put forward that a name change is not the way to do it. I don’t think that a name change is why people all around the world recognized the late, great Elizabeth Taylor — or, as I could call her, Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky.
No, the recipe for “standing out” is simple: you’ve merely got to do something better than everyone else — or at least, the best that you can.
After that, it might help to keep your name the same, so people can ask for it twice in a row.
I have nothing against what I shall continue to call the North Shore-LIJ hospital system. In fact, I am rather fond of them.
The gifted personnel there include doctors and not-enough-nurses who have seen me and my family successfully through some of the worst times of our lives, as well as two of the best.
Which is perhaps why I don’t see the need for change. I agree with whoever said, “If it ain’t broke(n), don’t fix it.”
But Mr. Dowling says he wants to “elevate our reputation,” and “leverage a platform” that is “highly visible.”
Sounds to me like what he really wants is an Olympic high-diving platform.
But before he turns his hospital system into one, I hope he recalls that the only way off one of those things is: down.
As for “brand recognition” — he and his experts have chosen a name that is indistinguishable from every other plain-vanilla, vaguely corporate name, a name which indicates as little as possible about what it does.
They have changed a trusted household entity into something that has all the character of a generic diet snack:
“Could you hand me a package of those Northwells? No, no, the chocolatey-chip ones. They’re almost not entirely boring.”
“Northwell” could be the name of a new sibling for Kim & Kanye’s little North West.
Then again, “Northwell” could be the name of a butler, if not the place where he works:
“Northwell, the villagers are revolting!”
“Yes, madam, I feel the same way.”
“No, no, I mean they’re burning things! And they seem to be heading straight for us.”
“I’ll have the footmen pull up the drawbridge.”
“You don’t suppose they have us confused with Northanger Abbey, by Jane Austen? Or Mr. Blackwell, that man who was so mean with his annual Ten Worst-Dressed-Women Lists?”
“Who can say, Madam? The field of obnoxious pretension is so cluttered, these days. And besides, didn’t that gentleman pass away, in 2008?”
“Yes, but meanness always stands out from the crowd.”
But I suspect the real problem here is that, as with too many other people who go in for name changes, the North Shore-LIJ decision-makers are simply ashamed of their roots.
They want to appeal to consumers “outside of Long Island.”
Then, with their artificially-straightened hair they can go to Connecticut cocktail parties. “Long Island? Never heard of it. Jewish? How amusing! Oh, Northwell, you’re so thoughtful; I would love another apple martini.”
That way, they can harvest every available dollar from all of us, in sickness and in health, I mean wellness, until debt do us part.
