Recently, an article crossed my desk saying, “There is scant evidence behind the medical advice” for avoiding salt.
“Woo Hoo!” said a gravelly voice in my kitchen. It seemed to be coming from my spice cabinet.
I opened the cabinet door and saw the salt shaker throwing cupcake sprinkles around and chanting “It’s my birthday, it’s my birthday…Whoo!”
“You’ve heard the news?” I said.
“Oh, yeah. I knew it would happen, sooner or later. Just as soon as one of those dietary ‘experts’ got put on a low-sodium diet, themselves. Ugh!” And he gave a little shake, thinking about it.
I set him out on the table, reunited at last with Pepper and joining the newcomer, Mrs. Dash.
Salt continued, “Free at last! All these years, you’ve been avoiding me, Judy … or else feeling guilty for every tasty thing you’ve eaten with me. All that suffering… for nothing!”
“I thought I was being healthy.”
“For nothing!” Salt was emphatic.
“What about me?” asked Mrs. Dash. “My doctor has me on a very strict limit for sodium, and bad things happen when I go off the plan.”
“Bad? Like what?”
“Like my feet swell up — and I wheeze with every breath.”
“Yeah, you’d better stick to your plan — we don’t disregard doctor’s orders. But for everyone else, I’m back, baby! Because I’m important! Why do you think they call us ‘movers and shakers’?”
“I don’t think that’s why…” I tried explaining.
“Like it or not, I’m vital to your health. Think about it! What’s in those IV bags they attach to you, almost any time you’re inside a hospital? Saline solution, that’s what.”
“Sometimes sugar, too,” said the sugar bowl, defensively. “I mean ‘glucose.’”
“Yeah, sometimes. But remember ‘Blood Sweat and Tears’? Try doing any one of them without me!”
Suddenly, I was in bright sunlight, surrounded by wind and engine noise. I was driving up the east coast, with a friend in her open-top sports car. I was still dazzled by the sun when I called my husband from a rest stop. “You’re sounding odd,” he said. “Are you dehydrated?”
“I don’t think so,” I told him. “I’m not even thirsty.”
“That means nothing,” he replied. “I want you to get a big plate of fries. Right now. And salt them. Then drink water. But have the salt first, or the water won’t do any good.”
“Have I got this right?” I said back to him. “Are you actually ordering me to eat a big plate of french fries? For my health?”
“Yes. And salt them.”
“Okaaayy,” I said slowly and hung up. I had never heard anything stupider. Salt was the enemy of hydration, everyone knew that. Still, I figured I’d better try out his method, or I’d never hear the end of it at home.
To my amazement, before I was five fries in, sweat broke out on my forehead…and I immediately felt better. “I guess you were right, I needed that,” I told my spouse, later.
“You see? What did I tell you?” crowed the Saltshaker. “I’m indispensable!”
“What you are is a dispenser — like me,” said Pepper.
“Or like me,” said the Sugar bowl. Sugar wasn’t used to being left out of the conversation. “I ask you — what do you call the folks you love? ‘Saline’? ‘Pretzel’? More like ‘Honey’ or ‘Sweetheart.’ Honestly, what good is life without me?”
“Salt? Sugar? I’ve got a story for you both,” I said, and they settled around the table.
“Do you remember that time I decided to bake a big batch of cookies for Chanukah?”
“Which time?” asked Sugar.
“There’s only the one,” replied Salt.
“Er, yes. So I decided on something idiot-proof: Classic Sugar cookies. And guess what happened?”
“Oh! Oh! I know this!” shouted Sugar Bowl. “You left out the sugar! And they tasted terrible!”
“You’re half right,” I said to Sugar Bowl. “They did taste terrible. But not because I left out the sugar. What I did was…”
“You forgot the salt,” said Salt Shaker.
“That’s right. I forgot the salt. And so even though I had all the other ingredients, including sugar and vanilla, the cookies were completely… Blah. It turns out, Salt unlocks all the other flavors.”
I paused to let my point sink in. “So the moral of the story is —”
“Truce?” says Sugar.
“Better than that. Partners!” says Salt. “Let’s shake on it!” And they shook salt and sugar all over my table.
I should have seen that coming.
