A Look On the Lighter Side: Water, water everywhere… unfortunately!

Judy Epstein

It seems that every time you turn around, people are pushing water at you. You audit a panel discussion; you go to a picnic; you’re at a reunion. At every conceivable venue, someone is sure to say, “Hey, you forgot your water.”

“That’s okay,” you say. “I’m good.”

“No, take it — it’s free!”

“I’m fine. Really! I promise I won’t pass out before I get to my car!”

Usually, the water’s in plastic bottles, too — which means that nowadays, I’m thinking about my exposure to plastics with every sip I take.

That part might be changing, at least. I went to a recent panel about water quality, and there wasn’t a plastic bottle in sight… only pitchers and cups at the refreshment table. But they still expected us all to come with our tongues hanging out for some H20.

I have nothing against water. Sometimes, I actually drink it.

But I just can’t believe we have to drink a fire hydrant’s-worth, daily — 8-ounce glasses, 8 times a day — or we’ll shrivel up and die.

Where did this idea come from? The Centers for Disease Control say it wasn’t them; they insist, “There is no recommendation for how much water adults should drink daily.” Not even the internet can pin down the source of this rumor.

And yet — someone started it.

Probably the same person who started the myth that you must wait 20 minutes after eating, before going swimming, or you’ll get cramps and die.

Also that if you dream you are dying, you will actually die. Oh, wait — that was just something the meanest girl at my summer camp told me, the night we were both stuck in the infirmary. It kept me up all night, terrified. I noticed she slept like a baby.

So I don’t know what to believe about water. But there is one immutable rule I know I can’t fight, namely: What goes in, must come out. Especially when I sneeze.

And in case you haven’t noticed, the world was not designed with a woman’s needs or comfort in mind.

It was designed by people who can pee just about anywhere, any time — and who all too frequently, do. (I say this with all the authority vested in me by years of living in a ground-floor front apartment in Greenwich Village. I quickly learned to keep the windows shut, all year round.)

Yes, water is a dangerous substance whose intake must be strictly regulated.

The only time I succumbed to the modern gospel on water was while I was pregnant.

My ob/gyn read me the riot act, saying that my body was trying to double the amount of blood I had in circulation, so in addition to the enormous pre-natal vitamins I was choking down, I had to drink tremendous quantities of water.

My problem was that I had just landed a brand new job, at a brand new company, with colleagues who were only just meeting me for the first time.

Suddenly, all anyone was going to know of me was that I never seemed to stop pacing the hall — first to the water fountain to refill my water bottle, and back to my office; then down the hall (a little faster) to get rid of all the water; then back to the water fountain, to start it all over again. This was a “water cycle” that no one had mentioned in any of my science classes.

After that experience… well, let’s just say that, unlike the immune system, your bladder does not get stronger with every challenge. Basically, what it does is pack it in.

I don’t have the capacity for Broadway shows, any more. But at least they have intermissions — although those were never long enough for buildings that put the ladies’ rooms two floors away.

Movies, however, run straight through, with no intermission, after selling you salted popcorn and showing you ads for enormous cups of soda. What are they thinking? I have to keep my legs crossed, and flinch at every scene with running water. You know how “Black Panther” had those elaborate fight scenes, stationed right inside a waterfall? Probably more enjoyable if you aren’t running for the ladies’ room!

So spare me all the lectures, and all the water. And please, do us both a favor, and remember this: the most dangerous place to stand, in a movie theater, is anywhere between me and the Ladies’ Room door!

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