Every group prepares for Armageddon in its own way. Norway has created a vault to store the seeds of as many plants as possible. The U.S. government holds strategic reserves of petroleum.
In Switzerland, the government has stockpiled supplies of animal feeds, rice, and sugar in case of a nuclear World War III.
But here’s one thing the Swiss government has just announced it will not be stockpiling: coffee.
“Coffee has almost no calories and subsequently does not contribute, from the physiological perspective, to safeguarding nutrition,” they explained.
Not “safeguarding nutrition”? The numbskulls! Does it not occur to them that it is precisely this lack of calories that makes coffee such a priceless commodity? What else can you eat or drink that gives you even a fraction of equivalent satisfaction? (Of all the legal choices, that is.) And to have it all for zero calories? What’s not to love? What are they thinking?
In fact, I regard this very announcement as probable cause for believing that the Swiss government is sadly in need of some caffeine, already.
This announcement is especially odd when you know that Switzerland ranks seventh in most lists of nations by their per capita consumption of coffee. The Scandinavian countries come first — Finland, Norway, Iceland, Denmark — then the Netherlands and Sweden. I’m assuming they all have a lot of fog and cold weather.
By comparison, the United States doesn’t come any higher than 22nd place on most lists — and yet, I can’t think of a single American who wouldn’t insist on coffee in their fall-out shelter.
Of course, the Swiss have many other wonderful things to stockpile. Cheese springs to mind. Also chocolate: Swiss chocolate is some of the best in the world, whether in bar form, as bon-bons, or in a steaming mug of hot cocoa. But Switzerland’s achievements in the realm of chocolate should not blind them to the benefits of coffee!
There is nothing quite like coffee for jump-starting the brain. Every time I begin one of these columns, I need a freshly brewed mug of coffee. Every time I get stuck, I need one, too. It all adds up to a lot of coffee… which is why I am intensely grateful for the zero-calorie feature which the Swiss government is so quick to scorn.
Most military forces appreciate caffeine as an aid to preparedness.
It is true that since Switzerland is landlocked, it has no official navy. And the Swiss have managed to maintain political neutrality at least since 1815. So perhaps two centuries without hostilities have lulled them into a false sense of security. Perhaps they fail to appreciate the benefits of remaining awake, and alert to danger!
And I suspect there will be danger, whether they believe it or not. Let me put it this way: if you were in one of those surrounding countries, and you knew there were stockpiles of delicious Swiss chocolate just over the border, ripe for the taking, with nothing but sleepy guards at the door to stop you, what would be your next move? Yep, mine too.
I foresee an entire continent of “Walking Dead” zombies, shuffling up and down the Alps to Switzerland’s mountain retreats, hoping to liberate their chocolate. Those zombies may not be fast, but they sure are persistent! (I know this from hours of involuntary exposure to my children’s stored-up episodes of “The Walking Dead”.) And I don’t like Switzerland’s chances of repelling them, when the entire country might run out of coffee after the first 24 hours!
Then again — maybe those aren’t zombies at all. Maybe they’re just other Swiss citizens, and that’s simply what they look like when in dire need of coffee.
There’s a line attributed to the Russian-born anarchist Emma Goldman: “If I can’t dance, I don’t want your revolution.” In a somewhat similar vein, I have to say — if I can’t have coffee in my bomb shelter, you can keep your Armageddon. An apocalypse without coffee? That’s just barbaric.
