Recently, a friend and I toured “Falaise” — the mansion Harry Guggenheim had built for himself on his parents’ Sands Point estate, with furnishings from a European honeymoon.
Of all the fabled Gold Coast mansions, this one seemed the most “livable” —perhaps because of its relatively modest size, or perhaps because they make a point of keeping everything just as the Guggenheims left it.
Whatever the cause, it really feels as if Harry and Alicia had just stepped out — and that, as soon as the tour was finished, they’d be back.
It made me wonder, what might visitors find on a tour of my house? Call it “Judy’s Casa Bella,” and say we’re just out for dinner, because of course we don’t have a cook.
“We have at least an hour before Judy gets back. Do watch your step as you come in the doorway, that indoor-outdoor rug really needs replacing.
Also, don’t trip on the snow shovels she keeps on the porch year-round.
“If you’ll step over here, you can see where the paint is peeling off the repair where the plumbing cracked inside the walls.”
A man asks, “Is it true that you can see Teddy Roosevelt’s face in the stain on the wall?” Everyone crowds around the spot.
“No,” says the guide, “I’m afraid that that’s just a rumor Judy’s husband started, to justify the admission fee.”
The tour group steps into the living room.
“Now, here is the collection of priceless knick-knacks that Judy tells everyone she bought in Europe. Actually, she picked up most of them at tag sales and thrift shops around here — but many were originally made in Europe, so it’s almost true.”
The group proceeds around a corner. “Everybody, watch out for the Leaning Tower of Newspapers.
Those are the issues that Judy has been combing through, page by page, to make sure she doesn’t throw out the one with her son’s graduation announcement. We’re all hoping she makes some progress before the next boy’s graduation.”
“And what’s the thinking behind this?” one man wants to know.
“What, the treadmill?” says the guide.
“No — the 12 boxes filled with books and papers, on top of it.”
“Your guess is as good as mine, sir. All I can tell you is that Judy calls that corner ‘Great Expectations.’ ”
“And why are we stopping here?” asks one woman, doubt clear in her voice.
“This is the kitchen table, as you can see — or as you would see, if Judy’s family ever got her to give away all the pots and pans on it that she almost never uses.”
“What’s stopping her?” asks the woman.
“Excellent question,” replies the guide. “Judy keeps insisting that one of them is the absolute best latke fryer, and one is the worst — and she never remembers which is which until they’re both filled with sizzling oil and raw potato.”
Another question for the guide: “Why are all these dusty vases out on the counter?”
“Ah, those. Judy was looking for her old coffee-maker, for Thanksgiving. She never found it, after looking everywhere she could think of. She finally realized she’d given it away — but by then she was too tired to put everything back.”
“But if she doesn’t put anything back, how does she ever expect to find it again?”
“Who asked that question? Was that you, sir? May we have your phone number? Judy’s husband would love to talk with you. He’s never gotten an answer to that question, himself.”
A gray-haired woman towards the back of the group takes a handkerchief from her purse and starts rubbing a mirror.
“Ma’am? Ma’am! What are you doing?”
“I’m just cleaning this. I hate to see it under so much dust —”
“Ma’am, I understand, but the conditions of the tour are that no one is allowed to touch anything.”
“It’s such a lovely piece — it was her grandmother’s, you know.”
“I’m afraid you all have to leave now — how did you know that? — please, everybody, watch your step on that rug.…”
As burly guards hustle the woman to the door, she suddenly calls out, “Everybody, just grab one thing and take it with you! Judy will never notice, but someday her kids will thank you!”
On the doorstep, she almost bumps into me, as I return with grocery bags on each arm.
“Mom!” I say. “What are you doing here?”
“Not enough, dear, more’s the pity. But I’ll be back before you know it!”
Another successful tour of the Casa Bella!
