In the new and much-acclaimed film “La La Land,” the two young people at its center have a critical disagreement soon after they meet. He (played by Ryan Gosling) is a dedicated jazz musician and fan of the entire genre; she (played by Emma Stone) says, “You should know, I don’t like jazz.”
I wanted to leap up, right then, and offer them a little advice.
“What you two need are ‘The Have-To Rules,’ ” I wanted to say.
“Why, what are those?” Emma might have replied.
“It’s very simple. You just set a few basic ground-rules for each other — things the other person has to do, or has to like, if you’re to stay together. We call them ‘The Have-To Rules.’ ”
“You should listen to her,” says my husband.
Ryan Gosling leans away from Emma, whom he was embracing, to tell my husband, “You’re just saying that because you have to.”
“Exactly!” He is beaming. “I think you’ve got it! Let’s say, for example, that one of you makes a first, experimental meal for the other — maybe you’ve added some new ingredients to her family’s recipe for scrambled eggs. She takes a bite.”
“And,” I add, “let’s also say that the new ingredients aren’t mushrooms, or ham, or anything sensible, but peanut butter and jelly!”
“Wait a minute,” says Emma. “Wouldn’t that stick horribly to the pan? Or burn, even?”
“Yes, yes, it would,” I tell her. “It’s a crazy idea, and one that you’ll want to bring up for as long as you own that pan. But instead — what do you say?”
“I would say, ‘This is interesting,’” she answers.
“But everyone knows that that’s a synonym for ‘bad’,” Ryan Gosling points out.
“Quite right. And that’s where ‘The Have-To Rules’ come in. You say that you love it, because you have to!”
“I do?”
“You do.” I was firm with her. “Now, back to music. My husband and I had this very discussion, early on. He was a big jazz fan — still is, for all I know. And I couldn’t abide it!”
“That’s not what you told me!” He looked hurt. “You just said, you couldn’t understand it.”
“Yes, wasn’t I clever? What I meant was, I couldn’t understand why you like it, because there’s never a tune! Or if there is, the musicians forget about it as soon as possible — leave it for dead — with such distracting solos, that I can’t even recognize the tune if they do come back to it. But for us to stay together, I knew I ‘had to’ like it. So I do.”
“And so,” asks Emma, “does he ‘have-to-like’ something for you, in return?”
“Country music!” We said together.
“It’s just so ‘twangy,’” said my husband. “I couldn’t stand it.”
“So we made the rule,” I explained. “He has to like country music — well, bluegrass at least — and I have to like jazz, at least from before Miles Davis. It works well enough.”
“Does it work for other things, too?” Ryan wanted to know.
“Of course! Like the shawl I made, to wear to his cousin’s wedding. We both knew the pattern was crooked and the hem was a mess, but he said he liked it.”
“At least, she warned me,” my husband remarked. “She said ‘You have to like this. I invoke The Have-To Rules.’ ”
“And in return, I assured him he’d picked the right shirt and his tie was perfect. It’s not like either of us had a choice!”
“And it’s pretty great for watching TV. I’ve told Judy she has to like the re-runs of “Psych” I’ve been saving; and she uses the rule for a lot of her PBS murder mystery shows. ‘You have to like this,’ she says. I never tell her that I actually do.”
“You do?” I turn to him, surprised.
“Well, yes, some of them. I like Inspector Lewis, and the scenery for Father Brown; they remind me of our honeymoon in England. So I’ve come to like them.” He turned back to Ryan and Emma. “But I wouldn’t get any Have-To points if Judy knew that! So I pretend that the only reason I watch her shows is because I have to. And you,” he said, turning back to me, “you need to pretend that you don’t know that!”
“All right,” I say demurely. “If I have to.”
