It was a wintry day on the campaign trail and somehow, all the Democratic candidates for President found themselves snowed into the same VFW Hall basement.
“What will we do?” moaned Amy Klobuchar. “I think the TV here is stuck on Fox, and if I have to hear any more of their campaign coverage, I just might stab myself with a plastic fork.”
“Then it’s good you don’t have one,” said Deval Patrick.
Pete Buttigieg was rummaging through a toy chest. “Hey, look what I found: a Monopoly game!”
“Oh, no you don’t,” Bernie Sanders responded immediately. “You don’t sucker me into that game — it’s rigged for the one-percenters!”
“But Bernie,” Elizabeth Warren said in her sweetest voice, “Look at it this way. This is our chance to re-do the rigging!”
“Rigging for the people — I like it!” Sanders replied. “To the rigging!” He led the way to a bridge table that was surrounded by folding chairs.
Joe Biden began setting up. “Who’s going to be the banker?” he asked.
“I will,” Tom Steyer and Michael Bloomberg said, together. They looked at each other for a moment. Then Steyer blinked and said, “You could buy and sell me, Michael, so it’s your call.”
“I’ll be the money bags token,” Bloomberg replied. “I intend to win this thing.”
“And who’s going to read out the rules?” Biden continued.
“Rules are for fools,” said Sanders. They all looked at him. “At least, that’s what the young people on my campaign staff keep saying.” He shrugged. “Maybe they’re right.”
“I’ll read ‘em,” said Edward Bennett.
“You’re still here?” Everybody turned to him in surprise.
“Of course! Don’t you remember my campaign promise? I said that if people voted for me, they could ignore me for weeks at a time!”
“It’s working, dude; you’re darn near invisible already,” said Pete Buttigieg. “But I have a question: Why all these scraps of paper?”
“You’ll never get anywhere in this game, son, if you can’t recognize money,” laughed Biden. “What would you rather use – bitcoin?”
They all shuddered.
“Why don’t we just do like Republicans,” said Beto O’Rourke, “and make up a dollar amount to say what we’re worth? Then just charge everything?”
“Because this is the Democratic party,” replied Biden, “and we still believe in facts. Now, who will be which token?”
“I am nobody’s token!” said Kamala Harris.
“I don’t mind,” said Cory Booker, reaching over her shoulder for the top hat token she’d refused.
“And who wants the cannon?” Biden continued.
“I think you’ll find that technically, it’s artillery,” said Pete Buttigieg.
“Showing off your service record, again,” said Amy Klobuchar. “I’ll take the boot and bootstrap, to go with my heartland values.”
“Whatever,” Buttigieg muttered under his breath.
Biden dealt out the rest of the tokens.
“Okay. So I have a plan for this,” said Elizabeth Warren. “As we go around the board, we’re not buying properties, we’re buying states — or at least, all of their delegate votes, to use at the Democratic Convention. Half of these properties are named after states, anyway, and we can fill in the rest.”
“And instead of the Water and Electric utilities,” added Sanders, “we’ll call them Health Care and Broadband. They ought to be free, though,” he mused.
“What do you say we turn all the Railroads into banks?” asked Julian Castro.
“Sure!” Warren replied. “Or they could be the FCC; the SEC; the Student Loan Corporation, and the Federal Reserve.”
“Just so long as we get to take them over,” said Sanders.
“Okay,” said Biden. “And what’s your plan for the Community Chest and Chance cards?”
“Oh, oh, I’ve got it!” said Tulsi Gabbard, putting up her hand like a kid in class. “Why don’t we use our donor statistics instead of Community Chest?”
“And Trump’s Twitter feed can be Chance,” said Klobuchar. “That’s pretty much all it’s good for, anyway.”
“What happens if you land in jail?” Gabbard wanted to know.
“Well, you can pay to get out, or roll doubles,” answered Mike Bloomberg.
“Isn’t there a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card?”
“Not anymore — it only works for Donald Trump.”
“And what’s going to happen when we pass go?”
The candidates all turned for an answer to Joe Biden.
“That’s when Andrew Yang pays you $1,000!”
