Mother Goose was leading a workshop series for all of the creatures of Fairy Tale Land. “What’s the most important part of any relationship?” she quizzed her audience.
“Communication!” they all shouted out.
“That’s right. And when you fail to communicate, that’s when things go wrong! Now it’s time to break into small groups for the different workshops. Professor Wolf, you can take your group to the first conference room down the hall.”
As the creatures in Wolf’s group entered the room, they saw the workshop title on the white board at the front: “How to talk so Little Pigs will Listen; Listen so Little Pigs will talk.”
“First things first,” said Professor Wolf.
“Taking attendance?” asked one little pig.
“No need for that,” he said with a curious smile on his face. “No, the first thing to do is correct the name of this seminar.” He picked up an eraser and swiped at the board. “We can forget about the second half of that,” he growled. “Who cares what Little Pigs have to say? All I care about is eating them — I mean, pretending I care about their problems until they trust me enough to come out of their houses!”
Several conference attendees suddenly stood up and rushed from the room. It was probably just a coincidence that they all happened to be pigs.
They decided to audit the second workshop: “How to Win Friends and Influence Gingerbread Men.”
“Of course, listening is a key component in any friendship,” that leader was saying. “But if you want to influence a Gingerbread Man, what else must you do?”
A Gingerbread Man raised his hand. “Um, turn on the oven?”
“Yes, make sure your appliances are working,” replied the speaker.
“Well, what about when you’re out for the day, and you come home, and nobody tells you that an appliance has exploded while you were gone?” Hansel and Gretel’s witch’s voice was shaking with anger. “Like, for example, the oven? And your partner has cleaned up the mess so there’s no way to know, but they didn’t bother to get the darned thing fixed? And they don’t even tell you until company’s coming and the stove won’t turn on? ‘Um, honey, I forget to mention it, but there was a teensy weensy little explosion yesterday, and maybe we’d better order pizza tonight instead of whatever you were making?’ How are you supposed to live with someone like that?”
“Yes, I’d like the answer to that one, too,” said the Giant. “It’s all very well to be famous for saying ‘Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman,’ but it’s just plain embarrassing when you come around and it turns out all the Englishmen moved away weeks ago…and no one saw fit to tell you. People say, ‘It’s such a chore, telling you things,’ but I ask you, who wakes up and says, ‘Gee, I wonder if any Englishmen have moved away? I’d better call around and ask’?”
“Or if any appliances secretly blew up?”
“Or if the mine decided to close down between Christmas and New Year’s, but none of the Seven Dwarves bothered to tell you? Not even Doc?” said Snow White, her voice almost a sob. “I could have planned a sweet vacation to Disney World, and instead we had to stay home and scrub out our chimneys!”
The third workshop was led by the three Billy Goats Gruff. “The theme of today’s workshop,” said the first, “is this: ‘Trolls are from Mars, Witches are from Venus!’ ”
“What does that even mean?” demanded one witch. “Are you saying I’m from Venus? Because I’m not, and I’ll eat the goat that says so!”
“That’s hardly necessary, ma’am,” bleated the second Goat. “In fact, all it means is that … um, well, I’m not sure what it means.”
“Then why are you in charge of this workshop?” demanded a troll in the audience. “We trolls are sick and tired of all the bad press we get at these things!”
“It’s a metaphor,” said the third Billy Goat Gruff. “It’s just a metaphor for how hard it is for different people … um, species … um, beings … to communicate. As I think we’ve just proven. Now I think it’s a good time to break for lunch. Trolls, if you’ll exit by the back door, and witches by the front, then we Goats will eat all the notes from today’s lecture and, um, see you around some time. Bah-ah-ah-ah-bye!”
