It’s the start of a new year, which means it’s nominating season.
Over at the New York Times, the movie critics have already published their suggestions for what should be nominated for Oscar awards.
Here on the Lighter Side, it is nominating season as well. I think our nominees should have a broadcast of their own …why, here it is now!
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first annual edition of the Good Riddance to Unbearable, Miserable Phenomena of 2015 Awards — also known as the GRUMPies. Here are C3PO and R2D2, with the nomination for Most Annoying Piece of Civic Hardware!”
R2D2 utters some chirps and burbles.
C3PO turns to him and says, “No, R2, the annoying hardware in question does not refer to myself — as you will see, once you allow me to read the teleprompter.
It says, Don’t you just hate it when you finally find an open parking spot on the street, get into it, and try to pay the meter, only to find out that the stupid thing is broken? Where is a good Jedi knight when you need one, eh?”
R2D2 burbles again. C3PO replies: “No, my little friend, you may not have a light saber to show them a thing or two. Although I wish you could.”
Applause from the audience as the two androids leave the stage.
Next, Jabba the Hutt slithers up to the microphone, grunting as he reads from the prompter. “Humpgh.
In ceremonies that were held earlier this year, nominations were given out for Most Annoying Outdoor Feature. Hah! Far and away the first in this category were the Driveway-Killing Mushrooms that punch their way every summer up through Judy’s driveway.
Every year she has paid to have them dug out and the asphalt replaced, only to see them pop up in a new location the following year. Way to go, Ugly Driveway Trolls! Unghghg!” And the Hutt slithers away.
There is a drumroll as the theater curtains open to reveal…the holographic ghost of Founding Father and dictionary publisher, Noah Webster, Jr.
“You may wonder why I am here. I am not completely clear about that, myself. But apparently, I am here to nominate every piece of music played this year by a group calling itself ‘The Weeknd’ — no, that can’t be right, there’s a letter missing — Ah, yes, it says here they are nominated for their fundamental misunderstanding of the function of vowels in the English language. I couldn’t have put that better myself. Truly, most annoying.”
As the curtains begin to close again, two drones come flying into the hall. One of them skims dangerously low, almost hitting the audiences’ heads, and then veers backstage, while the other flies straight into one of the curtains, crashes to the floor, and catches fire.
R2D2 rolls back out onto the stage, putting out the flames with three precision-guided blasts from an internal fire extinguisher. C3PO follows him and picks something up off the stage floor.
“What’s this? Oh, it’s the card for our next nominee! I’ll just read it shall I? The category is, Most Infuriating so-called ‘solution’ — that’s in quotes — looking for a Problem to infest. And the nomination goes to: Drones! Here’s a short film clip.”
The film shows one drone after another crashing into sports stadiums; a Ferris wheel while people are on it; a ski slope right behind a slalom skier; and the White House lawn — not to mention almost crashing, on a daily basis, into countless passenger planes and helicopters.
The film fades to black and the stage lights slowly come up to reveal Darth Vader at center stage. He breathes into the microphone, then speaks while the camera slowly closes in on his masked face:
“There is one final nominee to announce. Verizon Fios, this year, has won the Grumpiest title of all, for the Most Infuriating Dis-service this side of the electrical grid in Kabul, Afghanistan.
It keeps dumping Judy’s shows to black, while she is watching them, on an almost nightly basis.
She could be viewing a hotly contested basketball game, or waiting for a murderer’s identity to be revealed, when suddenly — all is black. Soon there is an ominous ‘click,’ and her entire cable signal dies. It takes minutes to come back, during which the show often concludes.
This represents a serious disturbance in the force. Do you know what happens to cable systems that disappoint me?”
Suddenly the program cuts to black, followed by a soft “click.…”
