I write today to perform a public service for those new to the Great Neck community. Such people are unaware, perhaps even dangerously unaware, of the traffic and driving rules uniquely prevalent in our — very special — area.
First, there is the matter of traffic lights. In our environs, the traffic colors indicate the following: red light: go; yellow light: go like a bat out of Hell; green light: carefully check phone for text and email messages.
Second, there are these local rules of signaling to master: left turn signal: stay in your lane; right turn signal: turn left; trouble lights: a matter of personal preference — some use them as holiday decorations; others to send coded messages to their friends at the Kensington Deli.
Third, there are parking regulations: double parking is considered fashionable; triple parking is considered avant garde fashion.
Lines marking parking spaces are considered to be ornamental. Staking your claim to two or more lines is essential for you to receive props from the parking enforcement officers, and the local fashion police.
Special prizes are awarded annually to the driver who covers the most spaces in the Best Foods lot. Last year, one Thomaston motorist won for his amazing feat of occupying four separate spaces simultaneously.
Finally, here are some hints for pedestrians: full body armor is a must. Accessories are important too — machetes demand respect from even our most blase BMW driver, but an Uzi, as is written in the Good Book, answereth all questions. Even from speeding Land Rovers.
Good luck, new neighbors. You are — most assuredly — going to need it.
David Conford
Great Neck
