Readers Write: Updating Swift’s ‘A Modest Proposal’

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During the presidential debate, Vice President Biden brought up the subject that Trump’s immigration policy separated 545 children from their parent or parents. Despite overwhelming efforts, Trump’s administration could not locate the children’s parent or parents who were apparently deported. Thus, these children were unable to be reunited with their parent or parents. In Trump’s defense, he said that the children were being well cared for, their living quarters in the completely redesigned warehouse was clean and they were being fed nutritious meals to build up their emaciated bodies, making them look almost good enough to eat. President Trump does not get enough credit for this wonderful deed.

In checking out the warehouse, I found the place to be near spotless and the food for the children was really good and healthy. I won’t get into which side is right or wrong in this matter of separation, but hopefully I can provide a solution that can settle this matter amicably of what to do with the children.

I sat down with two people who are concerned with children’s safety, namely Mindy Conman and Mitchell Cracker, both members of QAnon, who believe that elites are complicit in a child-sex-trafficking cabal. Their purpose for becoming involved in this situation is to ensure that these unfortunate and helpless children be kept out of the hands of these animals.

Mindy is a pleasant-looking, petite woman, very strong-willed yet despite her small size, she has a ravenous appetite. She can out eat at the dinner table her 250-pound husband. Her favorite part of the meal is the appetizer and her preference might seem strange, but to each their own. She loves almost every part of a cat’s body. The cat’s tongue is a special delicacy and the main body parts can make a delicious stew. If the cat is large enough, leftovers taste even better the next day. As for the cat’s eyes, she suggests you put them in a glass with your favorite liqueur, raise your glass and toast; “Here’s looking at you”.

Mitchell is a big guy, more than twice the size of Mindy. He prefers dog meat because it’s tougher and more chewy. It’s amazing how many dogs he and his family can go through in a week. During these trying times, have you checked out the price of meats in your local supermarket? Dog is cheaper, especially if adopted. But never eat the dog’s nose. You never know where it has been.

You might be asking what has this got to do with the 545 immigrant children? Although Mindy loves cat and Mitchell prefers dog, that is as food, when it comes to the epitome of a delicacy, both prefer children, especially young ones, since their bodies are so tender.

But when eating the young ones, you must be careful, especially the older folk, because a child’s hair, when swallowed, can tickle the throat. On the other hand, when eating the bones of such a childish delight, you must be careful because if the bones get stuck in your throat, choking can occur which could lead to a painful but perhaps a loving and satisfying death.

You might not know this but Conman, Cracker and their group have already put in a bid for the children, all 545 of them. Not to be excluded from this transaction, Trump has demanded a 10 percent finder’s fee, but according to sources, if the deal goes through, he will round down his fee to 54 children. After all, the White House has great chefs, but to Trump it really doesn’t matter because we all know the crap he loves to eat. A young child burger? Doesn’t sound so bad.

To ensure the integrity of the process, the bidding for the children must be on the up and up. However, we have just learned that Trump has assured Mindy and Mitchell that they have no reason to be concerned. Trump is already licking his chops. Resolving this children situation proves what we already know; Trump will take credit for this solution because he is hungry to make deals. He is the epitome of a dealmaker, as he always makes sure to tell us.

With the outcome of the deal pretty much settled, Trump has suggested to Mindy and Mitchell that they form a partnership, or rather an LLC., to cover not only this transaction but also for future business. Projections show that there is great potential in this type of business in a number of ways. One way is by importing young children and even older children from all over the world. A subsidiary can even be set up to handle the separate business that focuses solely on children’s parts. New or used, it doesn’t matter. An even greater source for raw material will shortly be available domestically with the overthrow of Row v. Wade, but Trump had to agree that Barrett’s children will not be touched.

One more point needs to be made. We all know that Trump’s appetite is voracious. Therefore, I implore Barron to watch out, for a boy14 years old is at the height of his tenderness. Luckily for the boy, Trump does not cook, that is except when it comes to any one…of his company’s books, but chances are the bodies of evidence for his type of cooking will never be disclosed since such remains will always be under audit.

Of course, for a final course, Trump can finish off the delicious children’s meal with a little whine or even a little bigger whine.

Alvin H. Goldberg

Great Neck

 

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