Every August, the drone of the locusts reminds me that there are some creatures that can escape all their troubles, crawl into a hole, and survive for a very long time, coming out again into an entirely different era.
The only catch is that when they do, they won’t understand what any of the other locusts are saying.
For example, what is an “orc”?
I recently overheard someone saying, “Don’t worry – this bank might as well be well be surrounded with orcs and trolls, it’s so secure.”
Well, I’m no idiot, I know that trolls are ugly little gnomes that live under bridges and come out to collect the tolls. But what are “orcs”?
All I could think of was orcas, or killer whales – but they’re in the ocean, so where was this bank? Atlantis?
Who would guess that an orc is just like a troll, only uglier?
And apparently, “My precious,” uttered in a raspy whispering voice, is not a term of endearment, but some kind of thinly-veiled threat. As anyone who’d seen “Lord of the Rings” would have known.
My problem was that I had been underground for 20-some years, taking care of children and not seeing any movies that weren’t by Disney or Pixar.
That’s why I think it’s time for a film festival – so all of us locusts can join in the conversation.
I’ve been faking it for years.
Sometimes I can get away with it. But sometimes I can’t. For example, I’m still not quite sure what people mean when they ask, “You talkin’ to me?” like the guy from “Taxi Driver.”
Is the right answer, “You bet I am”? or “Heck, No”? I’d like to answer “Yeah, baby, yeah!” like Austin Powers – except I’m not cut out for an international man of mystery.
One movie, “Jerry Maguire,” generated a slew of catch-phrases. Or so I gather.
I never saw it, but I think I’ve got the gist: Jerry Maguire is a blind man who works at the Government Printing Office. But he’s conscientious, so he keeps demanding,“Show me the money!”
Eventually, somebody does – at which point he feels able to say, “You complete me!”
In “Scarface,” Al Pacino says,“Say hello to my little friend.”
Obviously, he was talking about that cute little face, with eyes and a mouth, that Señor Wences used to draw on his hand and talk to, on the old Ed Sullivan Show. That made sense to me – certainly more sense than blasting away at someone through a closed door with a bazooka.
When people say, “They’re heeere,” in a creepy high-pitched voice, I know they’re quoting the movie “Poltergeist.” I can only imagine there’s a scene involving in-laws who drop by an hour early for Sunday brunch, when your hair is still wet and you’ve just discovered there aren’t enough eggs.
“I’ll be back,” says an ominous voice. This is me when, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Terminator,” I plan to spend most of the day at the mall, shopping.
“The horror, the horror!” No, not Marlon Brando at the end of “Apocalypse Now;” it’s my husband when I’ve finished shopping and he finally sees the bills.
Why, he wants to know, had I hidden them for so long? “Because,” I reply like Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men,” “You can’t handle the truth!”
What is the truth, anyway? “I’m your worst nightmare,” I tell him. He doesn’t disagree.
“What we have here,” I continue, “is a failure to communicate.” But he just falls asleep, dreaming he’s in a rerun of “Jaws.”
“You’re going to need a bigger boat,” they tell him. “Go ahead, make my day,” he replies. So they do, and suddenly he’s on board the”Titanic,” shouting “I’m the king of the world!”
I’m sorry I have to spoil it by waking him up. “Snap out of it!” I say, quoting Cher from “Moonstruck” – I think it’s what she yelled at her guy when she caught him drooling on the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
So here’s to the actors, the directors, and especially the writers who have given us so many great lines.
Even if some of them baffle me completely, like “Wax On, Wax Off,” from “The Karate Kid.”
I had figured it for some sort of “clapper” device that turned light fixtures on and off on command. But even after reading the entire Wikipedia entry, I’m still completely in the dark – the perfect place to begin a 20-Year-Locust Film Festival!
