“Ladies and gentlemen. It is my pleasure to present the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. President Trump. Will you say a few words?”
“A few words, you ask? I never say a few words. You want a few words? Okay. How about “Crooked” or “Heartless” as in “Crooked or Heartless Hillary.”
How about “Sleepy” and I don’t have to tell you who that belongs to. To show that I’m an equal opportunity insulter, how about “Lyin Ted” or “Little Marco”? And one of my favorites is “Slimeball James Comey.”
“You want more words? How about crazy, dumb, sloppy, creepy, wacky, liddle, and the word that applies to so many democrats, nasty failure.”
“Thank you, Mr. President.”
“Hey lackey. I’m not through. Remember. I’m the most powerful person on earth. Hell! Maybe even the universe. I can do whatever I want. And the people love me.
“I’m their leader. Look at the good, no, great times I brought them with the economy and then when the coronavirus hit, who else dealt with it so magnificently. I really should be crowned King Donald. With the whole world affected, we only had 25,000 who died.
“The original prediction was in the tens of millions. Please. No applause. If you like, you can bow. Now I’ve got to get you out of this current financial mess.
“First, let’s get the economy moving. I know the greedy capitalists want me to open up the economy, but against my better judgment, I have to agree with them. Do you know why? Since we’re doing such a good job with the coronavirus, the hospital beds are opening up, meaning there’s now room for more.
“Therefore, when the people go back to work and some get affected, there’ll be hospital beds available for them. Hell. It’ll only be a small percentage. And you know what? Just like when the pandemic was in full swing, I’ll visit so many in the hospital. I know I’ll be risking my life, but the president must lead the way.
“Let me now talk about the states who were most affected by the coronavirus, states like New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and California. There’ll all Democratic states. Maybe God had his reasons. They all spent so much money dealing with it, you know supporting their people and their hospitals. Billions they spent and now there’ll all broke or near broke. Tell you what I’m gonna do. You all have my best wishes.
“Turning to something more important. Do you know that I don’t get my mail on time? Do you know how many businesses get an overflow of mail? Do you know how much it cost to run the postal system? I’ve been proposing to privatize it and since I showed how effectively I dealt with the coronavirus, I will start the transition tomorrow. I won’t forget about the millions of postal workers who will lose their jobs. I will arrange for all of them to get a two weeks severance package. Maybe I’ll start the bidding tomorrow to see what private company will take it over?
“Regarding all the other people who I’ll be putting back to work, since I, I mean we, the federal government will need money to support all our programs including the one that will generate the funds to build a presidential palace. Therefore, I will issue a proclamation to reduce the payroll taxes because when people have more take-home pay and corporations more available money, both will spend and allow us to get back on our feet faster. Isn’t that clear? You want more details? Ask my advisory board of economists. Some even have degrees.
“Payroll taxes include Social Security. Between you and me, who needs social security. It’s just another major expense. Eventually, I plan to dissolve social security totally and reallocate the funds to build soup kitchens. If the majority of people don’t have to worry about buying food, think how much money they will have to spend and help turn our economy around.
“And lastly, I will issue an order to dissolve each and every state. Who needs borders when we are one country and we all can get along peacefully? My ideas are so great and let me give you one more bottom line. I plan on having the largest and grandest event that our country and the world will ever see.
“My plan is to have the coronation of King of all Kings, me, Donald the First, thus setting up a line that all my children and grandchildren will follow. Forget about ‘God Save The Queen.”
“I now proclaim, ‘I, the king will become God and save the world!”
“Now I am finished. Where are my slaves?”
Alvin Goldberg
Great Neck
